I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
