Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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