i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
