You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
