I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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