I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
