i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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