FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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