By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
