my phone needs a breathalizer
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
