Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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