You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
