all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
