i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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