Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
