Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
