well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
