I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
