she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
