had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
