Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
