the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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