Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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