So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
