I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
