When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
