U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
