He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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