Sry I called you an 8
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
