honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You're like the curious george of whores
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
