he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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