Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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