Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
