Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
