remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
