____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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