I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
