I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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