come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
