why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
