fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
