Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
