I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
