I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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