I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
