I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
