I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
