i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
