After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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