i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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