He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
