i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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