girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize