I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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